


Red

by cumaliciouslarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, nick is in it for like a second
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 11:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6983719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumaliciouslarry/pseuds/cumaliciouslarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall • And loving him is red.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red

Louis runs his hand down his thigh softly, applying light pressure to his upper thighs. He’s completely nude and he’s shaking. He’s gasping and whimpering. His head is thrown back. Nothing is pleasurable about what he’s doing. His eyes are squeezed shut and tears are running down his pale cheeks. He presses harshly and opens his eyes. Frantically, he looks for the shiny object and lashes out on his thigh. He sighs and does it again.

* * *

“I really think you should go out with us, Louis! It’ll be fun.” Harry looks at him with a pout. Louis is silent as stares blankly at his best friend.

 

They continue to stare at one another until finally Harry’s pout drops and he pushes away his food. “Fine. Do whatever you want. I’m sorry I wanted to spend time with my best friend.” 

 

Louis’ heart clenches and he unknowingly begins to scratch at the side of his wrist. Sighing he places his head on Harry’s shoulder, “Okay.” 

 

Louis thinks he’d agree to anything if he got to watch Harry beam the way he did again.

* * *

 

Louis doesn’t know how he got to this point. He only knows the days where he felt like he was drowning. He would feel dread clawing at him at the most random of times. His hands would shake and his heart felt as if it would burst. 

 

Maybe it started when he first caught his father sleeping with another woman at 7 years old. Maybe it started when his father first threw a punch at 9. Maybe the pain and the self-hatred started when the boys at school called him names and when he got home his father would call him worse. 

 

Maybe it started when his first and only boyfriend called his body disgusting and fat then left him because he was nothing, just like his father. 

 

Louis doesn’t know how to be okay- not really. But after almost eleven years after his father left him, and almost five years after his last boyfriend dumped him, he knows how to pretend. He’s almost twenty-one and his life went on despite his pleas for it to stop. His life went on and everything around him seemed to get better except himself.

 

His mother found a new love and his sisters are so much more happy. He got accepted into university with his best friend and he should be okay now. But he can’t and he isn’t because the self-hate and self-destruction is still there and the pain will always follow him no matter what.

 

He doesn’t know how to live and all the people who once cared have now given up. They talk and laugh around him, but they know not to expect much. He is barely holding on. 

* * *

Louis knew he loved his best friend the first time he was ever there to kiss the wounds inflicted on him by his father. The problem was that Harry was popular and wanted by people in school despite the fact that he was the  _ lamest _ kid ever. But he had the charm and he had the curly hair and  _ God-  _ Louis is so in love with him.

 

Louis smiles as Harry continues to go on and on about one of his classes. “Then the professor kicked her out and I was so grateful because I was so close to telling her to  _ shut up  _ myself!”

 

Louis laughed kicking his foot out to hit Harry on his shin. “You wouldn’t ever do that, Haz. You’re not fooling anyone.” 

 

“Exactly! But she made me want to!” Louis shakes his head, slowly picking up his tea to take a sip. Harry glances around before sighing. Louis tilts his head. “What’s wrong?”

 

Harry shrugs. He stands up and stands in front of several pictures hanging on the wall. “Do you know how old these photos are?” He points to one of Harry and Louis smiling right at the camera. Both being young teenagers when it was taken. 

 

Louis wrinkles his nose. The pictures are quite old. Harry is the one who insisted on putting up every picture they owned on the wall of their shared flat. When Louis and Harry moved in together, it’s the first thing he wanted to do. 

 

“Why? What does it matter?” Louis asks. Harry only sighs before leaving the room. Louis waits a couple minutes before the curly-haired lad rushes back in, this time carrying his pink polaroid camera. Immediately Louis refuses.

 

“Please, Louis! Come on, we need new pictures to hang up on our wall.” Harry begs and pleads. Louis feels his hands start to shake because he’s  _ weak  _ and  _ tired _ . He doesn’t want to do this. 

 

Harry, however, is very stubborn. He won’t take no for an answer and when he pushes just a tad bit too hard, Louis breaks. 

 

“Because I’m disgusting, damn it!  _ God _ , Harry. I hate pictures because I hate myself and I hate seeing how  _ disgusting _ I am! Are you bloody happy?” Louis is crying and shaking and Harry is shocked. It doesn’t take more than a minute for Harry to take Louis in his arms.

 

Harry wipes Louis’ tears and looks at him sternly, “Don’t you  _ dare _ talk about yourself like that ever again. You are so beautiful, Louis. You shine so bright to everyone in the room and I wish you could see that. I want you forever, Lou. I just want millions of pictures to hang on our wall because I want everyone to see how bloody  _ gorgeous _ my best friend is.” 

 

The first kiss Louis shares with Harry could have possibly gone better. There was a lot of snot and a whole lot of tears. Yet Harry only held on tighter and kissed back harder and Louis will always be grateful for his best friend. 

 

It completely slips his mind that he had promised Harry to go out with the rest of his friends. In that moment though, Louis could care less.

* * *

 

They go on dates that make Louis giggle and Harry kisses Louis in front of his bedroom door before walking two steps to his own across the hall. Louis has never felt happier.

 

Naturally, everything goes to shit two weeks later. They’re at a house party and Nick  _ fucking _ Grimshaw has his hand on Harry’s arm and is whispering something into his ear. Harry laughs loud and bright while Nick grins. Louis can’t breathe as he watches them flirt. The final straw is when Nick touches Harry’s upper thigh and Harry just leans into the touch. 

 

Louis stalks out and scratches his fingernails down his arms. He’s itching to rip his skin open and let the red run. Louis feels it settle over him and he knows he’s going to ruin it. He’s been clean for a week and a half and it was thanks to Harry.

 

Louis wipes at his eyes as he stalks home. The most painful feeling is the fact that he  _ knows _ that Harry and Nick have fooled around. Harry hasn’t been shy about his sex life and he’s always been open with Louis. Maybe Harry finally saw how truly disgusting Louis is or finally got tired of Louis pulling away whenever they got a little too sexual. 

 

He’s so angry with himself for being who he is and his vision is so blinded by his tears that he doesn’t notice the car coming his way until it’s too late.

* * *

 

Harry doesn’t understand how he went from a house party to the seat of a hospital. He’s shaking and he’s so afraid. He’s never been so afraid in his life. He’s never felt so  _ guilty _ in his life. He hadn’t even noticed that Louis, his  _ boyfriend, _ had left the party. Maybe if he had noticed, maybe if he was told Louis wanted to go, he wouldn’t be afraid for his life. 

 

It’s an hour later when a doctor comes out to speak with Harry. He rushes forward, Anne behind him, both with fear in their eyes. The doctor looks at them considerably before blowing out. 

 

“He’s going to be okay. He was very lucky. He’s got a minor head injury and a spr…” the Doctor goes on, but Harry stops listening. Louis is going to be  _ okay _ .

 

He’s prepared to get on his knees and thank every god there is when he hears a sharp gasp. He turns around before quickly asking what’s going on. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Cox. But the cuts are on both his upper thighs and upper arms. We’d recommend therapy treatment when he wakes and because of what we’ve found we can not rule out the possibility of this being a suicide attempt.”

 

Harry faints.

* * *

 

When Louis was nine, his father drunkenly beat his fraile tiny body. He had passed out from the pain. But waking up now, this feels ten times worse than that time. He’s got a wrapped arm and a burning feeling in his lower back. He feels everything hit him at once and he gasps brokenly.

 

Harry looks up from his seat by the window. It doesn’t take more than a moment for him to run to his Louis. He apologizes and cries. He sobs and repeats his sorrys and it hits Louis what he’s talking about and it’s not the party. 

 

Louis sobs. It’s heart-wrenching sobs. He can’t breathe and his heart is beating too fast. He’s laying down but his world is spinning and no one can know. But now the love of his life knows and the scars on his thighs are trembling. They’re crying too because they’re no longer a secret. Louis wants to die. He wishes the car was going a bit faster. He wishes he wasn’t so pathetic, but he’s not okay and he hasn’t been in a long time.

* * *

 

Louis runs his hands down Harry’s face. He can’t look down because sometimes it’s still too much. But Harry never fails to tell him how beautiful he is despite everything. To Harry he is the sun and Louis just holds on as hard as he can. 

 

He’s gasping and he’s whimpering and this time it’s because of something entirely different. It’s good pain mixed with pleasure and an intensity only Harry can make him feel. He feels red and he sees red, but it’s not what it was before. It’s the roses sitting next to him on the bedside table and it’s the color of Harry’s lips. 

  
Loving Harry is red.


End file.
